Thursday, April 8, 2021 

8:41pm 

I have lots whirling around in my head and that blazing surge of inspiration has found its way to me again. so here I am sitting in a corner under a warm lightbulb, trying to unravel these bits and pieces and waves of harmonious, hectic, precious moments bubbling around before they fade away. blah! how poetic I can get, but I love it, so bear with me and join me along for a little ride. you might not understand, for they are little montages of real-life moments in my head from the past week that I tried my hardest to live in before they were swept away. but you might visualize your own interpretation, your own imaginary snapshots of fleeting, flowing life. actually, I ask that you do. I hope you imagine your own little scenarios and maybe even remember flashes of your own life, like we would when reading a book. enjoy, in your own way, and I shall too!

on a Friday I set off, and my father and I drove in a 2001 forest green land rover known as a discovery, and made discoveries along the way. there were moments of googling to discover this island is where the wright brothers flew their first plane, the first ever. can you imagine? I went to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. like Outer Banks on Netflix, but it was actually filmed in South Carolina. little towns named kill devil hills. duck. nags head. each with their little histories, and personalities. and over in corolla, these feral horses? their ancestors were domesticated spanish horses, brought over in ships. and they know how to swim, too. wikipedia searches and emails and typing up transcripts at gas stations. hidden gems and loud colors. answering emails while also giving directions, and yes, missing exits. sudden cravings for chocolate, and microwaving eggs to make do before running out the door. last-minute changes, hours of peaceful silence, random thought-spillings and feet in warm sand. a game of pool in the basement. a deer skull found in the forest. awakening just in time for the sunrise, twice, splashed with cotton candy brewings and soft candles. spending the night in a floating boat, mimicking the rocking chair I grew to love as a child and as an adult, despite its missing seat. a book about braiding sweetgrass, and the forgotten value of gifts, and another about the politics of pleasure activism, and the importance of an orgasm. words of politicians, scholars, change-makers. unintentionally but ironically drinking corona from the glass, amid the normalization of coronavirus as we see people biking, fishing, filling gas with masks present or missing from sun-kissed faces. capturing a wasp stuck inside and letting it go unharmed. hidden stories and deep pangs of love and longing that I allow myself to feel. tunnels of bamboo and pool tables, with a fake shark posing by the highway.

the words I create may sound random – scrambled, like a game of charades, but they each compose a memory. and all in just the last few days! these silent moments where I stand, in stillness, to swallow the sky and press an imaginary “click”. seeing a highway marker numbered 222.2. little flashes of destiny, what you could call signs from the universe or tidbits easily overlooked, and new paths. yesterday, and the day before that, and this morning, and right now, I’m dwelling in the present, consciously breathing, reminding myself of what to be grateful for, filling my mind with the wisdom splayed out by different people from around the world, and continually swelling with love. time – something we can’t explain, something we have, and something temporary, and so a “click. click.” plays in the background like booming elevator music in my dimension or whatever you call “my world” as I lose myself in all these places of stillness and motion. my father loses himself in his own world, too, and so we ride along with the steady hum of our old sturdy truck carrying us through new, beautiful places.

it’s April already. already over a year since I felt like I was in a really bad dream when I stared at the words “America on lockdown” on the news at the Gallaudet cafeteria. nearly two years since I shaved my hair bald with nothing but a rusty simple razor. yet I remember some breaths of life back then as if it was… yesterday. again, time’s such a fascinating thing. Anyway, I’ve been on a social media hiatus for, like, three weeks now. I’m not going to lie, I do check my accounts via safari every once in a while to check messages and see what my pals are up to, but… yeah. I go full days without doing this, without bothering to click these forbidden squares and, it is… a blessing. it is a blessing to have more time. it is a blessing to feel less and less attached to the reins of the echo chamber, and to dive into conversations, books, and solitude where I actually feel present and much less disconnected. though the purpose of circles and boxes and bottomless swiping is all (or partly) about the connections and networking, and millions of perspectives though the algorithm often brings like-minded individuals closer than any other (leading to dangers of groupthink, and also the triumphs of meaningful change), I can’t help but feel at times elated to be living life without this dependency. this has been an ongoing cycle, going back and disconnecting and going back and getting sucked in again, and I no doubt will get sucked in again to the tunnels of never-ending Instagram squares and stories, but I try and try to find a balance. this realization appears as a reminder time after time again: not everything needs to be a pursuit. some things do. with a shift of attitude, gratification can become present instead of something far away. and with a shift of attitude, we can do something about the things that need some moving and shaking. the beauty in this – not instant, not pretend, not of ego – just the essence of existence. and the beauty in possibilities. yes, I often talk in contradictions, or mixtures, or paradoxes, and I guess that’s been the theme of the movie I star in ever since I can remember! anyways. back to my point. when I walk out to gaze at the cherry blossom trees or flying hawks or bristling weeds, or whatever else comes into sight, I take a deep breath and I remember I am here, as we all are. such life brimming and bustling at once, and I somehow feel it with more intensity than when I enter a portal of face after face after face. I don’t know. there’s a lot of humor, wisdom, perspective, art, magicmaking in this little dimension in the black box that brings us together. and there’s also a lot of things outside, too.

and I guess… we’re each figuring it out in our own ways, and here I am rapping away at my beloved keyboard piano as I anticipate new beginnings, and come toward unlocking my potential. each of us have yet to fully unlock all that lies within, while we’ve unlocked many. all that will eventually (or already) prosper and develop. untrapping our mind-webs and seeing a bit more clarity, changing life goals, meanings we were conditioned to believe… there’s a good amount of excitement and hope in that, isn’t there? life-long learning in both investment, effort, and hard work, and in going with the wind, peace, and simplicity, and in a multitude of balancing acts such as the love for reading in addition to reading something that acts as an agent in change, indulging in acts of radical self-love while also putting in efforts to reduce our waste and being mindful of how we treat earth. no, perfection is not possible. we are harmful beasts and we can also inspire and save lives. again, there’s the juxtaposition in things! laughing out loud for no reason, stroking our own chin, drinking water even when we’re not that thirsty because we know our body will thank us, feelings of sudden discomfort as if something’s off, that moment of closing my eyes and letting the sun kiss me all over, tinges of sore muscles, and feelings of love in all ranges and directions. so much human experience all at once that mere languages and words cannot convey. what we’ve been taught to chase isn’t always outside ourselves. it can be within us. it can now be a reality, if we believe in it, cherish it, and live it – it, as in life, as in us, as in the trees and algae and air and water and souls and dreams and the stars, the planets, you and me.

it is now 9:23pm and shadows fill the ceilings beautifully, like intricate spiderwebs, and I am going to read. or maybe just watch a movie. but I’m most definitely going to take a deep breath after I click “publish”, releasing myself from the obligation to edit any typos or whatnot, and let myself fill up just for a little and feel my heartbeat bit before I start moving again. I have said this before, but it’s an ongoing process, and sometimes we need reminders. there are always cycles and human behaviors, and we prosper and grow over time but we also have fallbacks and down days. but… yeah. throughout it all, there is evolution, and who we are just continues to build like Russian dolls atop another, growing and growing while our core remains. I’m looking back with wonder, and looking ahead with, truthfully, fear, but also perseverance. I am no longer going to be unafraid, as I have said repeatedly, but layers continue to fall and uncover and I think they always will, because as the depth deepens, layers of experience and strength build and expand. I am going to let myself love, and live, as much as I possibly can. you know what? I want to thank you for being a little part of this Thursday night with me. do me a favor and let your face light up just a little bit. go ahead, it’s not silly – let yourself smile, or even laugh, or scream, whether you’re alone or not. yes!! do you feel it, too?