Whew. I didn’t expect to get so emotional today about being an only child!
It feels a bit bizarre, grieving over something I never had. Growing up, my world was filled of dualities, with beautiful moments – and scary, overwhelming, isolating times. Full of access – and barriers. I have deep, close relationships with each of my parents — and a childhood that was filled with one on one time with an amazing parent at a time in what felt like two separate, special lives in one body. I had language at home, but at mainstream school there was a lot of information I didn’t know or pick up on, on top of the fact that the hearing world itself is an entirely different reality than life in a deaf space. But you know what? I loved the fact that I was an only child. I loved having the direct attention of my parents, just my mom and me, or just my dad and me.
Also, my own self-created world was my escape. I was a latchkey kid, became a dorm student at 12, graduated high school at 16. I didn’t realize it, but I’m so used to being alone that it’s my normal. My home. My comfort zone.
Now, as a teacher at a deaf school, to know my students is to know who their family is. It’s been a very interesting experience as I work directly with children, with a majority that have families that are compact and/or nuclear with at least two children. We even have a family wall in each classroom, where photos of each family are showcased all year. It’s a way to remind them of home and provide some comfort, and commemorate our school family as peers connect and learn about each other. It’s the first thing we talk about in the beginning, on the first day – who we are and of course who our family members are. This was also a unit taught in Social Studies, and we had a PowerPoint presentation showcasing our families and the roles they play in our lives. I’ve known people all my life who had siblings, but to witness this dynamic and detail in young humans growing and thriving so quickly and unbelievably only shows how much of a cornerstone family is in who we are and our development. To those who have siblings, having siblings is fundamental to the core of who they are. Whether it be as a loving, protective older brother; a younger child who deeply admires and also envies their older sibling; a middle child who has someone to learn from AND younger siblings to teach the very same lessons to; et cetera. These roles they unconsciously hold as a sibling are embedded in their lives, and that all comes with even more unconditional love.
I wasn’t even on Instagram for that long today. I went on an all-day field trip, then stayed late after school, and after that, I came home to a homecooked meal by my partner and we had a great dinner. Then I played fetch with my dog, and plopped on my couch and took a look at Instagram. I think it was just five minutes of tapping stories, aww it’s International Siblings Day, and without meaning to, I felt myself fill up with an emotion that I at first didn’t identify. Nostalgia? Melancholy? Wonder? I suddenly remembered that on another international sibling day in 2017, I felt the same way. After a bit of digging I retrieved this piece I wrote on that day:
“This post is for myself. for all the times I’ve stayed home alone for hours and hours and kept myself company. the times I’ve taught my stuffed animals lessons and told stories to them. become a princess in the middle of the woods, out exploring with nothing but me and my imagination. the times l’ve collected bugs and felt like a fairy. stuck my nose in a book and got lost in a faraway world. cooked meals for myself and had deep conversations with the thoughts in my mind, wrote poems and sang in the ocean. cried in my own arms. felt such bliss in my own skin and the sun. looking back, I have been on my own more than I should have, but it’s shaped me into who I am. and I have to thank all of my pets, my parents, my books, my friends who have been part of my life in the past and today. and so many more loved ones. I look at all those sibling photos and I do wonder, what if I had that? but I don’t, and that’s okay. it’s okay to feel so grateful and fortunate for the life I had and it’s also okay to feel a pang of pain for not having a sibling to share life’s sorrows and accomplishments with. a lot of heartache and fear comes with the thought of losing the people in my life, and not having any family to lean on. But if anything, my upbringing has prepared me for dealing with it. l’m writing this solely for you, Brianna, for all you’ve done and all you’ve been through. you did it.”
I’m grateful that I learned at a young age how to care for my soul as I feel all of the big feelings and swim through all these waves of life. We don’t choose if we have siblings or not. Whatever we’re born into or grow up with, we grow into who we are, and each of us are perfectly unique. It’s amazing how people are shaped and molded into complex, individual selves, with such a multitude of influences – by families, identities, experiences, genetics, privileges, barriers, and the list goes on.
As B.J. Neblett said,
“We are the sum total of our experiences. Those experiences – be they positive or negative – make us the person we are, at any given point in our lives. And, like a flowing river, those same experiences, and those yet to come, continue to influence and reshape the person we are, and the person we become. None of us are the same as we were yesterday, nor will be tomorrow.”
I send my gratitude to people who have influenced my life, you know who you are. It brought flowing tears looking back on old pictures, in my nostalgic state, heh. I’m also immensely grateful for the family that I’ve gained through my partner who have welcomed me with open arms. It means more to me than you know.
