pull the sheepskin back, my love – I still am, too

07/09/2016

My perspective on life is continually changing. all the beauty amid the tragedy. it’s all up to us to recognize it, the overlap of the contradictions in life… and even the wrongness of what is happening today, over my small moments of escape that I’m lucky enough to have. I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now, but I’m sick to my stomach. that there has to be so much unfairness in this world, that there are those who cannot enjoy views like this because their lives were taken away from them. I’m able to escape from all the horror for a while and laugh and be silly, and sleep, and enjoy bits of my life, but I also see it, and I won’t forget it, and I won’t do nothing. I will let it affect me. it is a matter of perspective, and I expand mine to not include only mine, but the reality of today’s pain and suffering. for there is no life without both sides to a story, the opposing sides of everything, and what’s in between. don’t you see, too?

07/11/2016

don’t you see, how life is so wholly composed of such bouts of nostalgia, heartbreak and joy brought upon a capture of a memory unremembered or unseen yet it fills us with some kind of enlightenment, some kind of revelation that this life is not all we know it to be? behind each soul, each moment there lies so much more than it seems. a wonder, years and years of ongoing cycles of tragedy, and triumphs, and living people, our hearts, our minds…

…all existing, differently in each individual, together. I’m not sure what to make of it. I only know how I feel. But I see lives, captured and it touches me so, even though that life isn’t mine. don’t you see, how we coexist, how even though we breathe our air and blink our eyes, for our own selves, we are all swirling under the same sky? let the sun shine, let the clouds evaporate. see it reflect on this array of beings, those in our hearts, living in our memories and those of now, this masterpiece of personas built through the gift of time. let it shine everywhere, on us, as we shine on. open your eyes, and see.

07/11/2020

it has been a wild ride, I’m finding my joys and self love and growth amidst all the universal shifts going on. it feels like an awakening of society, and within myself as well in so many ways. 

it’s been ongoing yet so brand new, collectively, as we all have more time and availability on our hands. it’s truly a year for the books and a year that indicates much, much needed and overdue transformation. within ourselves and our world. I look forward to the changes and we are also living in that change right now. we’ve got a long way. 

over the years, I have been learning so much. feeling so much. yet that was just a dip on the surface of this iceberg of wretched reality, pain and suffering that surrounds us, and the harm we inflict. including myself, yes, oh yes, I am complicit, and looking back I wonder with a surge of disappointment at how I could feel, and see, but also not see. only focusing on a piece of the elephant and not the rest, and actively contributing to pain. as a member of a sorority. with my actions. my overlooked judgements and biases. my priorities, rooted and created by racism, colonialism, white supremacy, patriarchy, audism. all of those things, and much more. for the rest of my life, I will continue to unpack and discover and change. I am changing, but I must look back in order to move forward with continued and improving newness in my life, and in myself. “don’t you see?” yes, maybe I see some, but I don’t see it all. I never will. that’s the point. and so that’s why I must continue to look, and the more I do, the more things will come to vision with much more clairity, leaving me wondering why the hell I didn’t notice it before. this is how I am feeling about many things in my past, and with that, I’m integrating that in my present, in my every day.

I’m working on finding a new kind of balance. I don’t know, a balance is impossible, but something close to it. A new way of being, a new way of living – more consciously. in this world, shared with so many souls. it is not just about my own, because my own life is here and thriving because of all those souls, all those beings around me and to the ends of the world.

make time for small joys for yourself. eat, drink h2o, appreciate being alive, tell yourself I love you. tell others you love and appreciate them. we can all, and I think we all need, to do that while doing the work. listen. amplify Black and BIPOC voices. it’s like detoxing – it’s uncomfortable and there will be oscillating struggles, ugliness, weakness, confusion. that is the human experience of so many that I have the privilege of brushing away, so I refuse. I have to swallow it whole, and let it burn, and be aware, learn, be uncomfortable. in the process of this, it is removing toxicity from our bodies, burning the embedded parts of a society that belongs in the past. and it takes time for that to happen. for all of us individually and as a society. it must be now, today, a day at a time, with love, with openness, fully knowing that I am flawed. this is not meant for me to feel good, no. No.
this is so that all of us can be okay. 

#blacklivesmatter