written on august 18, 2023
As I sit here on my couch at home getting ready to write my weekly reflection with my neutered-yesterday-with-a-pink-donut-on-his-neck pup sitting beside me, I can only describe what I’m feeling as gratitude. Like, I’m exhausted and this, as in everything I am doing and experiencing now in my new reality, is just simply more than anything I have experienced in my life. But, with all of that, I’m feeling truly aligned with my core values and my goals.
Now, I will practice a thing I was doing over the summer, inspired by Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way”, where I release a written stream of consciousness without restriction.
The days are a daze.
This morning I brought boxes of glazed doughnuts for Breakfast Club but had no time to socialize.
Today I sat in my classroom, writing emails, with a rainbow light above me and the soft glow of the afternoon.
That Friday feeling.
That third-week-of-school feeling.
Everything feels more and more familiar, more normal, more real.
I slowly know names by heart, where things are, but still have a long way to go.
The feeling of imposter syndrome is not as strong anymore, and it disappears at times, but is often in the background.
Being in the staff workroom with my team feels less foreign and more safe.
“Tired” is not as “oh my gosh I’m crashing at only 6pm and my brain is so fried” as it was my first week.
There are glimmers, every single class, every single student.
Glimmer is a new word to me that means opposite of trigger – in case that’s new to you too, reader.
It’s like each student has a flicker.
Together, it makes a beautiful fire that warms our hearts and gives us life.
At times, it burns, and pushes boundaries.
And that can be annoying!
But these are little growing humans we’re talking about.
They’re powerful embers, and also filled with every other element,
as they transform and blossom.
The world through their eyes is beautiful.
Reminders of what really matters.
That it’s okay to jump and dance with joy.
To close your eyes and imagine different worlds.
To believe in magic.
To use the word “love” freely and often.
To cry and shut down, and refuse to follow instructions.
Because it’s okay to not be okay, and to resist.
And trying your best means something different every day.
When you do try, it does wonders.
And these children are learning this.
They gasp with glee at melting wax.
As cream turns into butter, they gawk and want to take it all in.
As the morning news plays, they sit mushed next to each other on the fluffy rug, giggling with joy.
Challenges and adventures in math entice them to jump up to volunteer and cheer each other on,
helping figure out answers and strategies.
They look on with mouths agape while a book-laden mouse discovers the gift of mindful breathing.
Random acts of kindness that make grown adults tear up.
When an experiment goes awry, they rush to help, as a community.
“Girls can do anything.” The moon phases. A butterfly. Shirts they adorn.
Bright, sparkly, glittery, dark, simple, black and white, pastel.
Their language leaps bounds. Their energies are synonymous to air.
Everywhere, massive, beyond bounds, essential.
They are our future.
I realize how sappy this sounds.
How big and deep and existential, like, girl.
Many find this ridiculous, “too much”.
Including myself!
But hey, what the heck, this is who I am!
This, teaching, is the biggest honor I have been given.
I am learning so much from my students.
They are my teachers and every single day, every minute,
I’m learning new things, looking at things in different ways.
It’s possible to love things you didn’t enjoy before. To be many ways at once, at different times. To go from sad and unmotivated to happy and hungry for more. To endure, experience, and enjoy the layered realities and possibilities of all it means to be human, to go through the human experience.
Drastic changes and quakes happen, dangling within spectrums, in this environment, and that’s a reminder to how life, and the Earth, is.
There is a different way to be. There are so many different ways.
And we’re doing it, them, all of it, right now.
We are being. We are embracing. We are celebrating.
Reframing, challenging norms, relearning.
And we are exploring. We are transforming. We are growing.
We are thriving. We are loving, sharing, connecting.
Now, this written stream of consciousness has come to an end. I’m ready to close my laptop, and just be home and fully present – and relaxxxx. And you know what? I’m actually also looking forward to going back to school, too. No matter how overwhelmed or tired I may feel, I value my students and this new way of life so much. That’s an amazing feeling and realization to have.
Whoo! A lot of things to process, a lot of things to learn, a lot of things to appreciate. Let’s goooo! See ya lata for the next chapta, alligata.
