the blessing of being

I am me. This is my existence and my inner child is still learning and unlearning. My consciousness is made up of many layers, of all the children and young adults that I have been and continue to be only in evolution. The only way is forward, but there are circles. There are foldings. There are moments of reliving, and recalling, digesting, interpreting, processing, growing. Then in myself as I continue to experience this infinite beautiful wonderful new existence of realities with my eyes closed, I am thinking, thinking, finding interpretations for this. This is what it means to live. It is impossible to live with full calm. It is impossible to feel fully happy. And that is OKAY. There will always be pain. There will always be some fear. There will always be suffering. There will always be unknowns. There will always be disasters, and tragedies. So I cannot be fully, a hundred percent content, and that is exactly how it needs to be. There are ways to change, and ways to live, in a way that brings us all closer to more okayness. This resounding booming, with this music of so much, beyond what I can put into words, plays in the background of my life, and this echoes the realities of existences we’ve been taught to ignore. No more.

This is my destiny, to love. We are meant to love, and not all of us do, but that is okay because many of us have enough love to share for all of life. All that is around us. I see myself as a creature, not as a beauty or the woman I am “supposed” to be, but also exactly the woman I am supposed to be. Not a longhaired, idea-obsessed person that strives to be a wife and whatever else I have been tamed by society to do and feel. No more. I have this head of wild hair and a bare face with freckles and gentle eyes and a tall, small body with pointed shoulders that is meant to go off into the world with wonder and love. Not with a great destiny or greater purpose other than just to venture off and break this fear. Venture off into life whatever that may be for me as this plane of existence I’m in is far too short. 

I had this big realization that I wanted to go outside. I wanted to go for a walk. I wanted to explore. This is something I haven’t done much of yet, not as much as I would like to. Something has been holding me back, the reins of comfort, and in this time I felt so compelled to break whatever veil of fear that was holding me back. I realized that this was silly, it was powerful but it was also silly how I had all those screens mirroring myself in this corner of my bedroom while there was so much outside that I needed to find and see.

That’s when I realized that this is one of the answers, in my inner calling to “live life”. To go outside more. Feel the world around me and all its life along with my heartbeat. The resounding boom faded but was still there, along with the trucks and cars and motorcycles and dads with their strollers. There was so much life around me, on a Monday, in the middle of the city, and so much of what I was walking around was new. I did not recognize this. Perhaps I had disillusioned myself in thinking I wasn’t fully safe, that being at home was enough. And it is absolutely enough at times, but there is so much more around me to experience and see, too. That was a very important reminder and experience for me to have – to sometimes just go outside, and be blissfully rewarded from simply going out the door and breaking apart that thin, rice papery veil towards something bigger and beautiful and here.

To not care about appearances but also value them. To try new things while also embracing the comfort of home. To shift ways of life, to be conscious, mindful, and to act in a multitude of ways. That this is all new, but also home, and there is always newness to find amongst the familiar. We are all home. This is the right place to be, the right path, and there are more paths to come that will be right as long as I, and you, make it right for ourselves. As long as I am in tune with myself, as long as I make this mine, my journey and my path, I have this power over my own life to be happy and live well and prosper along with this booming of everything else. This booming is also all that is left to uncover and realize and shift. This booming is all the noise of my inner spirit, my inner fire, my Leo calling out and screaming from the mountaintops that I AM HERE AND I AM PROUD.

Of course there is more to find and reveal about this intense harmony of my life that could spill into many, many more truths and interpretations that will help reveal more answers in my life and for my being, but only I have those answers. Others may bring me closer to more answers. I have a few of them, and today is only a day of my life, a very special and important one though there are many more special and important days ahead of me – everyday, in fact – that will continue to bring me more realizations about myself. Strengthen myself and bring even more love to myself, and the love we all so deserve within ourselves and for each other. I can’t help but feel like I am filled with so much love right now anyway and already. 

Everyone has their own consciousness. It is their own. I cannot create theirs. I can shine some light on theirs, and they can shine their light on mine, but there is no one right way to be. Just the way we are, in our own worlds all together in this one world. This is the way I am and I will be all I can continue to be.

I am always growing, expanding. Sometimes my blossom remains, as it still grows, but sometimes it swirls and circles and spikes and leaps and is aroused, stimulated, around others or with new ideas. Then sometimes it remains, merely floating and slowly expanding. That is my state of being. Only one way of explaining it, because words are so limited in comparison to all it means to be. All the ways to be, all the realities of it, all this being. It’s a blessing.