thinking.
it’s quiet, holidays peeking around the corner, rainbow lights illuminating the night.
typing this with my thumbs, and now realizing I should be using a keyboard but it’s too late now because I’m already on a roll.
sometimes we need reminders. of what sparks our joy, what ignites our inner artist. and sometimes we also just need assurance that honestly, there’s no need for pressure. just do what your heart tells you. don’t be obliged.
for me social media can feel like it comes with a sense of pressure and nah. honestly. with a following I don’t really know what to do with, I find myself more resistant to it all. the pressure to speak about different issues or address what’s trending now or comment or stay in touch with everyone. first world problems, but the guilt is something that’s not found in history books because this is new – instant reach by the click of a thumb but with that, there’s even more of a wall. because it’s overwhelming. at least for me. to keep up with everything, everyone, and all the emails, notifications, spam, all the different messages that my brain just blocks a lot of it. but it’s up to each of us on how to respond. for how we navigate it – whether it agrees with what we want or not. there’s no rulebook – just whatever we choose and there’s beauty in that, but also it’s a bit scary because… what do we do?
“what should we do versus what do we want?” ha. million dollar question.
we each have our own perspectives and views and things are so layered, multiple feelings and thoughts all at once are swimming around right now. especially with our new best friend, technology. all of it, intensified, to the point we become addicted.
I relish my inner child’s love of looking out the window, and falling down the OG rabbit hole, meaning my own imagination – not infinite scrolling or visiting a random person’s entire instagram feed or googling a super random topic or whatever – and often need to remind myself to value this more rather than checking my email for the 3rd time in less than a minute. There is so much beauty around us. and so little time. so much energy that has shifted, so much of our bandwidth being stretched and pulled in ways that I struggle to fathom it. I read that it’s an economic equity crisis, not just a mental health issue. I’m not sure if I got that wording right – I saw it on IG earlier but it’s lost forever cause I didn’t click the save button, eh. but still, it stuck in my head. along with imagery of tons of other random videos, and the name of the current trending TV show’s rising star, and even the exact height of that other tall actress in that show, and and.
I loved making videos and I loved the liberation and thrill of posting new things on social media – meaning me, and my face and my ASL, for the world to see. the feeling of challenging my initial feeling of shame. That greatly evolved and I’m grateful to many people for helping me change my view on myself, and what I am capable of. it’s really mind blowing, the power of having a little world right here in my hands with people from all time zones, answers to any question I ask in less than an instant, all the tools right here on what my little muscular thumbs are typing on.
I will probably feel the desire to do more for social media eventually, or in little bursts like right now, but lately I just want to slink back under the covers, go in my cocoon, be in solitude. to lie here in between yesterday and tomorrow, tired but awake with a fluttering of thoughts and hopes.
I know life comes with periods, layers, phases, and change is inevitable. to obsess over social media is something that is such a paradox – it’s inevitable in today’s world, it’s filled with intrigue, information, stimuli, endless things. and it takes me away from the present more than I want it to sometimes, inducing social media hiatuses before I return once again and again.
I thought I’d have more clarity on how to navigate this by now, but I’m realizing that navigating our relationship with technology will be (and has been) a lifelong thing, for generations past and to come. point is, it’s a relationship each of us have and it’s a personal choice – to utilize it in your own way.
I’ve lost followers rapidly because my content is not consistent – and I couldn’t care less, really, I understand. I’m a human who works a lot and has to figure out what the next meal is and deals with my puppy’s sharkies. and lives life with my partner. and lots of other things I don’t feel the need to explain. and periods come where I don’t really want to do much in my free time other than just quiet, lovely and sometimes stressful life things.
I was raised to have a sense of urgency. I was also raised to pause and trust the process. I’m learning my happy medium, or at least the sort of balance you’d find in anything trying to stay afloat on the ocean amidst all kinds of conditions.
I don’t need to explain myself but I guess I’m thinking out loud with you guys. it’s an enigma, life itself, in the time we are living in – and time itself is a whole other story, that can’t be separated from the concept of life… and the concept of self, and consciousness, and existence, and and and… here I go, rambling 🙂
fuck norms. fuck rules. say no, or say YES, break your rules you’ve created for yourself if they’re trapping you now, or create new rules as a means of finally living that life you’ve been meaning to live. it is all a process, perfection does not exist, we are all going through something. throw assumptions out the window, remember we are all so multifaceted that if we weren’t concrete things in our bodies we’d probably be closer to explosions of paint of all colors, with no bounds or limits. just air traveling, expanding, fading, staining. or bodies of water traveling and transforming. or clouds in the sky, transforming into different shapes and dreams.
let go and do your own damn thing. that’s what I’m gonna strive to do right now and right into 2023.
p.s. don’t forget to breathe. you are loved. don’t worry too much. you can’t please everyone. but you most definitely should pritorize loving and caring for yourself. take your time and do what you can, do your best, or whatever YOU want to do. that’s the power here – your ability to break free from the reins of pressure, expectations, whatever else. sometimes it’s as simple as a shift of mindset or exploring another perspective, or just REALLY listening to yourself.
okay. I’ll stop for now. thank you, thumbs, for getting me this far. 😭 thinking. and relishing.
<3
