I had a vivid dream this morning… A kind of dream that felt so real that it took me a minute to recover from. In my dream-riddled state, someone – I don’t remember who – called me out for not posting on my Instagram story about the Oscar nominees and winners (Audible, Troy Kotsur, and CODA). This person accused me of being selfish and not caring about my own community. Oh boy, let me tell you, I felt racked of guilt like nothing else. And really, technically, this accusation came from… Me.
Thrashing in my bed, eyes closed and mind whirling, I was overcome by guilt and shame, because I didn’t share my joy and my pride with the world the day these little golden men were handed out in a historic night… And now, as I type on my laptop with my coffee and smoothie next to me, awake, I’m realizing this was caused by my own subconscious, and how much this reflects the current state of our social media use. The reality is, during the Oscar awards, I couldn’t keep my eyes off the screen, and girl, I LEAPED and squealed with joy and was so full of excitement, taking pictures and standing in shock and all, because I was so PROUD of our Deaf community. So EXCITED for the future of our world that is beginning to see Deaf people as something more than just what we’re incapable of – but all we ARE. And of course, many other feelings involved as I take in other people’s very valid perspectives and feelings, too.
I’m still processing this experience and time as a white, sighted, and able-bodied Deaf person, and constantly learning. And it’s fascinating, to navigate the self among a tool of such vulnerability that with just a button can be spotlighted to thousands and even millions.
There’s starting to be this culture of expectation in what we post, what we share. There’s so much we feel and experience and say that isn’t on social media, but our Instagram feed, our Twitter posts… They begin to function as a reflection, and we know in our hearts that it’s not true… but it’s easy to adapt to that thinking, when we see more and more of screens and less and less of each other. What we know of each other is often from what we see, and it’s a conversation starter. That video, that reel, that quote this person shared on Instagram or Facebook or Reddit, I can’t remember which. The scrolling, the clicking… that’s a habit I’ve been trying to break on and off again for the past decade. I’ve been part of that psychological wave before, of sharing endless stories to “spread awareness” and show my own support of a cause, where I do truly learn and self-reflect, but it truthfully started to feel more like an obligation than something from my heart, because there’s just so much going on at once, and there’s so much we can and should be doing, but also… we’re not quite designed to be holding all of this knowledge, all of these swinging pendulums of life happenings, and to respond to everything through clicks and shares as we sit on our couches. There’s a lot to be done and felt beyond our keyboards and alter-ego-accounts.
I often reevaluate what is performativity and what comes from the heart, and what I should or shouldn’t post, and what I can do beyond the public eye. We can care about things without a post, but with a donation or showing up somewhere. And that’s also my privilege talking. Is it okay to share joy amidst a time of suffering? Or share something off-point from what’s trending that day? Is it okay to share support of one cause while failing to share support of another? Is it better for my mental health to just stay off social media and focus on reading, human connections, being outdoors? Yes, no, sometimes, it depends. Of course, we can do anything we want, but the thing is someone’s bound to feel something from our actions – every time. That’s an experience for us to interpret and handle in the ways we choose.
What we post, what we like or comment on, what we say… it affects people, one way or another. Right now someone might be rolling their eyes at this, or didn’t even make it this far, or someone might be agreeing, someone might be feeling annoyed… And that’s just how it is. It’s a new journey of being human, the ways we respond to life as it happens, in real time, and the ways we connect – and fail to connect. I can’t imagine I’m alone in this mixture of feeling and existing and how I use social media in all of these phases and periods. I don’t know, I guess I’m just here to blurt out these thoughts out loud, and to affirm that, oh yes, there’s so much going on, so much to feel, so many waves to surf or try to escape from. And that’s okay, that’s a new way of living for us and we don’t have to have it all figured out.
My heart goes out to so many people, countries, causes, sources of pain and love and triumph and tragedy. So much that sometimes I just feel overcome with grief, unsure of what to do, and then there are times where I feel overjoyed because of someone’s baby birth or accomplishments or my own, even if I don’t leave a comment every time or share it with the world. and sometimes I don’t know what to do with this way of living, in this social media-riddled era with all the mixtures of human stuff, and the earth’s struggle, and so many realities going on at once. but I’m trying in my own way to live, and to rejoice, and grow as a person that lives in authenticity – whatever that means to me at the present moment. And what “that” means – as in being authentic, or human, or whatever else – is going to inevitably change over time.
It’s okay to live, and use social media, in YOUR own way, and it’s okay for it to evolve. and even as I write this I fear that there will be some wrongdoing or selfishness in what I’m writing, and some fear of judgement, truthfully, but I’ve been finding the best way to be is to just be, for me, with all of these always-changing feelings. Each of us are here and existing in our own ways, and people are going to perceive us in a thousand different ways, but the end of the day… We just need to earn our own love, and accept our own navigation of the world, because it’s YOU that’s going under when your time comes. It’s YOU that you look at in the mirror every day, grow old with… who you nourish, and/or harm.
Take a breath, as all that can be enough right now is to just BE, and to try our best… whatever that means to me and to you, whether it’s same same and or different different.
